For many people who went to boarding school, life after school is marked by hard work, high achievement, and a drive to succeed. On the surface, these qualities can look like strengths – and in many ways, they are. But underneath, perfectionism can also be exhausting, stressful, and sometimes isolating.
If you find yourself constantly striving, never quite satisfied, or feeling like you can’t relax, perfectionism may be playing a bigger role than you think. And for many former boarders, this pattern makes perfect sense.
Where Perfectionism Begins at Boarding School
Boarding schools often encouraged discipline, performance, and achievement. While these traits can be useful, they can also come with hidden costs. Some reasons perfectionism often starts in boarding school include:
- Constant evaluation: Children were frequently assessed in academics, sport, and behaviour. This can create a lasting belief that self-worth depends on performance.
- External validation: Praise, rewards, or recognition often took the place of emotional reassurance, reinforcing the idea that being loved = being successful.
- Fear of rejection: Many boarders learned to avoid mistakes at all costs, fearing disapproval from teachers, peers, or even family.
Over time, these lessons can turn into an internal voice that says: “You’ll only be enough if you keep achieving.”
How Perfectionism Affects Adult Life
While perfectionism can drive success, it can also make life harder in ways that aren’t always obvious. Former boarders often notice:
- Overwork and burnout: Feeling like rest is “lazy” or undeserved
- Difficulty relaxing: Struggling to switch off or celebrate achievements
- Strained relationships: High expectations of yourself may spill over into expectations of others
- Low self-esteem: Even big accomplishments don’t feel “good enough”
These patterns can leave people feeling stuck in a cycle of constant doing, without ever feeling a real sense of peace.
How Therapy Helps Ease Perfectionism
Perfectionism isn’t a flaw – it’s a strategy that once helped you cope. The good news is that therapy can help you untangle these patterns and find new ways of living. In counselling, you can:
- Explore where your self-criticism came from
- Recognise that your worth is not tied to constant achievement
- Develop self-compassion and more balanced expectations
- Learn how to rest without guilt
- Build healthier, kinder relationships – with yourself and with others
Through therapy, many people discover that they can still be ambitious and motivated without being ruled by the relentless pressure to be perfect.
Perfectionism may have helped you survive and even thrive at boarding school, but it doesn’t have to define your adult life. With support, you can find a balance between achievement and ease, between striving and simply being.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If perfectionism or overachievement is leaving you feeling stuck, therapy can help you move towards a healthier, more compassionate relationship with yourself. Get in touch to arrange a confidential phone call.